Anandiben Patel's 'expert mothers' remark asks women to qualify for dreams men don't
Uttar Pradesh Governor Anandiben Patel suggested women should become expert mothers before aspiring to careers such as IAS or teaching. Of course, women had things to say!
“Guess, what’s the worst that can happen? A woman standing against the empowerment of another woman,” Maitrayee Sen, a PhD scholar at Ashoka University, said when we asked her reaction to a statement which, well, irked not just her but many women, honestly.
Anandiben Patel, Uttar Pradesh Governor, was addressing students, parents, and faculty at the 41st convocation of Chhatrapati Shahu Ji Maharaj University (CSJMU). A conversation which ideally should have been about how students can excel academically and aspire for a brighter future turned gendered.
Patel said women should try to become an "expert mother" before aspiring to become an IAS officer or a teacher. In short, what she meant was that for women (mind you, not men), they need to excel in their role as a mother, a caregiver, probably, a daughter-in-law before thinking of a career in civil services or any other job, for that matter.
Her comments come at a time when women are striving to be at par with men, juggling not just their office but their home equally well. At the same time, men are just learning (after being pushed) how to manage both worlds, which women have long been doing brilliantly. While they are still being taught how to make more than Maggi for survival, women are once again being pushed back into the darkness they took so much time to come out of.
Of course, women had things to say.
There is no syllabus for motherhood
Almost every woman we spoke to paused at the same phrase: expert mother. Not because they disagreed on what good parenting looks like, but because they questioned whether such a title can exist in the first place.
"There is no objective definition of an expert mother," says Maitrayee Sen. Parenting, she says, has no examination, no certification, and certainly no point at which someone can claim to have mastered it. "The most thoughtful parents are lifelong learners. The moment a parent believes they have mastered a child, they have usually stopped listening to who that child is becoming."
Simantini Ghosh, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Ashoka University and single parent raising a 12-year-old child from when he was 2 yrs old, has a similar thought from a psychological perspective. Rather than chasing perfection, she says, the essence of parenting lies in being present and consistent. Children don't need flawless parents; they need caregivers who show up, make them feel safe, and avoid causing harm. Trying to define an "expert mother", she argues, is not only impossible but potentially harmful.
Then there is Saudamini Ali Khan, who calls the phrase "a disservice to motherhood itself". A communications specialist, Saudamini says that every stage of a child's life demands that a parent learn something new. "It takes a village to raise a child," she reminds us, "not one expert woman."
For Naintara Kakati-Das, a 30-year-old teacher and mother of two, the idea feels disconnected from lived reality. "Nobody is perfect, even a mother," she says. Every day, she explains, brings fresh lessons, whether through raising children, managing a household, or balancing a career, and that constant learning is precisely what parenting looks like.
What Gen Z girls think of it
"What on earth is an 'expert mother' even?" says an irked Tanaya, 26, who works in CSR. "I am anyway contemplating if I ever want to embrace motherhood. Will that make me any less of a woman? Honestly, this comes from a very patriarchal mindset. Women have to manage homes, cater to their husbands, make babies, before they dream. Why does a dream come with a cost for women?" she adds.
Sharvani Mishra, another Gen Z woman who is currently contemplating further studies abroad, says, "We will at least take another century for not just men, but even women, to understand why equality matters. I don't think my saying anything really changes things, but I would just like to mention that every mother is special because every household is different and every woman faces her own kind of challenges. I don't think the phrase 'perfect mother' really exists," she concludes.
The bigger question: Why only mothers
If there was one aspect of the Governor's remark that united women even more than the phrase "expert mother", it was this: why is the advice reserved only for women?
"The problem isn't valuing motherhood," says Sen. "It's the sequencing and the gendering." Encouraging responsible parenting is admirable, she says, but asking women to first prove themselves as mothers before aspiring to become IAS officers or teachers creates a standard that simply doesn't exist for men.
Ghosh agrees. Embedded within such statements, she says, is the assumption that childcare and domestic responsibilities are inherently women's responsibilities. "Where is the advice asking men to become expert fathers before pursuing equally demanding careers?" she asks.
For Nidhi Sabbarwal, founder and director of PRtainment Media and a mother herself, the conversation should not be about expert mothers or expert fathers at all. "There can only be expert parenting," she says. Raising a child is shared work, and every family arrives at it differently.
Sixty-year-old school teacher Anusree Sen, who raised a daughter who is now pursuing a PhD, believes the debate has focused on the wrong word altogether. Parenthood, not motherhood, should be the benchmark. "Career and motherhood cannot be compared," she says. "Both parents are equally responsible for a child."
The weight women already carry
Many women pointed out that the remark ignores a reality they already live everyday.
Even today, women are expected to excel at work while simultaneously carrying the invisible labour of running households, raising children, and managing emotional responsibilities. Men, though increasingly involved, are still largely applauded for doing what women have long been expected to do without recognition.
Kakati-Das rejects the idea that women must first perfect domestic skills before building careers. Cooking, she says, is a life skill anyone can learn. Building a career, on the other hand, demands years of hard work, persistence, and sacrifice.
Saudamini, who joined the office after maternity leave, believes this is yet another impossible standard added to a list women have spent centuries trying to escape from being the perfect daughter and wife to now the "expert mother". What children need most, she argues, is not a mother crushed under impossible expectations, but one who is supported, rested, and respected.
Maitrayee offers perhaps the most personal perspective. Having grown up with a working mother, she says her mother's career never made her less present. If anything, it made her a stronger role model. "Her professional life didn't cost me a mother," she says. "It gave me a fuller one."
Perhaps it's time to retire the phrase altogether
Good parenting is built on presence, patience, and shared responsibility, not on impossible labels that only women are expected to live up to.
And maybe that's the real question Anandiben Patel's remark has sparked: if women still need to become "expert mothers" before chasing their ambitions, when will men be asked to become expert fathers before chasing theirs?
“Guess, what’s the worst that can happen? A woman standing against the empowerment of another woman,” Maitrayee Sen, a PhD scholar at Ashoka University, said when we asked her reaction to a statement which, well, irked not just her but many women, honestly.
Anandiben Patel, Uttar Pradesh Governor, was addressing students, parents, and faculty at the 41st convocation of Chhatrapati Shahu Ji Maharaj University (CSJMU). A conversation which ideally should have been about how students can excel academically and aspire for a brighter future turned gendered.
Patel said women should try to become an "expert mother" before aspiring to become an IAS officer or a teacher. In short, what she meant was that for women (mind you, not men), they need to excel in their role as a mother, a caregiver, probably, a daughter-in-law before thinking of a career in civil services or any other job, for that matter.
Her comments come at a time when women are striving to be at par with men, juggling not just their office but their home equally well. At the same time, men are just learning (after being pushed) how to manage both worlds, which women have long been doing brilliantly. While they are still being taught how to make more than Maggi for survival, women are once again being pushed back into the darkness they took so much time to come out of.
Of course, women had things to say.
There is no syllabus for motherhood
Almost every woman we spoke to paused at the same phrase: expert mother. Not because they disagreed on what good parenting looks like, but because they questioned whether such a title can exist in the first place.
"There is no objective definition of an expert mother," says Maitrayee Sen. Parenting, she says, has no examination, no certification, and certainly no point at which someone can claim to have mastered it. "The most thoughtful parents are lifelong learners. The moment a parent believes they have mastered a child, they have usually stopped listening to who that child is becoming."
Simantini Ghosh, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Ashoka University and single parent raising a 12-year-old child from when he was 2 yrs old, has a similar thought from a psychological perspective. Rather than chasing perfection, she says, the essence of parenting lies in being present and consistent. Children don't need flawless parents; they need caregivers who show up, make them feel safe, and avoid causing harm. Trying to define an "expert mother", she argues, is not only impossible but potentially harmful.
Then there is Saudamini Ali Khan, who calls the phrase "a disservice to motherhood itself". A communications specialist, Saudamini says that every stage of a child's life demands that a parent learn something new. "It takes a village to raise a child," she reminds us, "not one expert woman."
For Naintara Kakati-Das, a 30-year-old teacher and mother of two, the idea feels disconnected from lived reality. "Nobody is perfect, even a mother," she says. Every day, she explains, brings fresh lessons, whether through raising children, managing a household, or balancing a career, and that constant learning is precisely what parenting looks like.
What Gen Z girls think of it
"What on earth is an 'expert mother' even?" says an irked Tanaya, 26, who works in CSR. "I am anyway contemplating if I ever want to embrace motherhood. Will that make me any less of a woman? Honestly, this comes from a very patriarchal mindset. Women have to manage homes, cater to their husbands, make babies, before they dream. Why does a dream come with a cost for women?" she adds.
Sharvani Mishra, another Gen Z woman who is currently contemplating further studies abroad, says, "We will at least take another century for not just men, but even women, to understand why equality matters. I don't think my saying anything really changes things, but I would just like to mention that every mother is special because every household is different and every woman faces her own kind of challenges. I don't think the phrase 'perfect mother' really exists," she concludes.
The bigger question: Why only mothers
If there was one aspect of the Governor's remark that united women even more than the phrase "expert mother", it was this: why is the advice reserved only for women?
"The problem isn't valuing motherhood," says Sen. "It's the sequencing and the gendering." Encouraging responsible parenting is admirable, she says, but asking women to first prove themselves as mothers before aspiring to become IAS officers or teachers creates a standard that simply doesn't exist for men.
Ghosh agrees. Embedded within such statements, she says, is the assumption that childcare and domestic responsibilities are inherently women's responsibilities. "Where is the advice asking men to become expert fathers before pursuing equally demanding careers?" she asks.
For Nidhi Sabbarwal, founder and director of PRtainment Media and a mother herself, the conversation should not be about expert mothers or expert fathers at all. "There can only be expert parenting," she says. Raising a child is shared work, and every family arrives at it differently.
Sixty-year-old school teacher Anusree Sen, who raised a daughter who is now pursuing a PhD, believes the debate has focused on the wrong word altogether. Parenthood, not motherhood, should be the benchmark. "Career and motherhood cannot be compared," she says. "Both parents are equally responsible for a child."
The weight women already carry
Many women pointed out that the remark ignores a reality they already live everyday.
Even today, women are expected to excel at work while simultaneously carrying the invisible labour of running households, raising children, and managing emotional responsibilities. Men, though increasingly involved, are still largely applauded for doing what women have long been expected to do without recognition.
Kakati-Das rejects the idea that women must first perfect domestic skills before building careers. Cooking, she says, is a life skill anyone can learn. Building a career, on the other hand, demands years of hard work, persistence, and sacrifice.
Saudamini, who joined the office after maternity leave, believes this is yet another impossible standard added to a list women have spent centuries trying to escape from being the perfect daughter and wife to now the "expert mother". What children need most, she argues, is not a mother crushed under impossible expectations, but one who is supported, rested, and respected.
Maitrayee offers perhaps the most personal perspective. Having grown up with a working mother, she says her mother's career never made her less present. If anything, it made her a stronger role model. "Her professional life didn't cost me a mother," she says. "It gave me a fuller one."
Perhaps it's time to retire the phrase altogether
Good parenting is built on presence, patience, and shared responsibility, not on impossible labels that only women are expected to live up to.
And maybe that's the real question Anandiben Patel's remark has sparked: if women still need to become "expert mothers" before chasing their ambitions, when will men be asked to become expert fathers before chasing theirs?
